


Not to Keep

by denna5



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2019-02-09 18:13:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12893868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/denna5/pseuds/denna5
Summary: Written for this prompt.4. “We’re designed to be disposable.”May have a part two eventually.





	Not to Keep

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cutthroatfics](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cutthroatfics/gifts).



She is six-teen when she meets the winter soldier.  Natasha already has completed some missions, has already stained her hands red,  but there is always more to learn and he is supposed to be one of the best.  When they first meet, she finds herself on the ground, only managing a few blows against him before that, and this has not happened to her for a long time.  He has his metal fingers around her throat, not pressing down, not yet but it could happen but he asks a question first.

“What happens if I squeeze, if you don’t get back up?”

His words are spoken in English and the question is a simple one really and she answers it quickly.

“They would send you another girl to train. We’re designed to be disposable.”

It is a fact that Natasha learned a long time ago. When she first came to the red room, it was filled with girls but that  did not last. The weak ones broke and were discarded and others were brought into replace them.

“Are you ready for that?”

He asks and she gets the feeling that if she says yes, he’ll squeeze but she doesn’t say yes, doesn’t say no, instead, she wraps hands around his metal wrist, pulls as she  makes herself get up. He probably could have kept her down but he didn’t, lets her pry his fingers off of her, lets her kick out at him and it connects this time. She fights and she ends up back on the ground but she got more hits in this time. She gets back up and they do this for a while. When it is over, she is bruised and bloody and he only has one  mark against his right cheek but she had seen how he had looked  right  after fighting the other girls days before, no marks on him at all and so she if proud of that mark. He rubs  a finger over it as he speaks to her.

“I will see you in the morning, we will train again then. I think you may last.”

It is a compliment and she gives a nod as she leaves. The next morning,  she rises and meets him once again but the purple mark she expected to see across his cheek is not there and he notices her gaze.

“Designed to last, designed to be used. Marks never last long. You can put it there again.”

She does, hits him as many times  as she can. He smiles at it but doesn’t ease up, still flings her around.  A month passes like that, every day waking up to be beaten, to beat him in return , and she grows better and better and he doesn’t tell her his name and he doesn’t ask for hers.  He leaves after a bit and she goes back to her missions but in a almost a year’s  time, he comes back.  They are to train again and he doesn’t say anything when she shows up, simply throws the first punch at her and she dodges it, knows how he moves now.

“They told me we fought before, I can tell now.”

He says it as he throws a hit and the words are strange but she does not let them throw her off, manages to miss his hit and return one of her own.

“You  don’t remember me?”

She asks and he gives a little nod as he dodges another hit.

“Not right now, I may soon. Things sometimes come back and I will be here for a bit.”

She doesn’t say anything, just dodges his return hit. She ends up on the ground but he does as well at one point at one point and he smiles at her just a bit, like he is proud of her improvements and she wonders if he remembers her a bit.  That training session end quickly enough  and they separate again.  She sees him the next day, and the next after that, sees him everyday for a week.  He starts to remember a bit more of her and he asks her a question one day.

“Do you still think you’re disposable?”

He asks as he kicks her to the ground and she simply just gets up from it, gives a little shrug.

“They’ll replace me when they need to but they won’t need to for a long time. I plan to be the best.”

She says it simply, knows that eventually she will fall but she is not planning on it being anytime soon.  There is just a hint of a smile on his face as he swings at her again.

“I think I believe you when you say that.”

It is a compliment like the one after their first meeting and Natasha tries not to dwell on the warm feeling the words give her as they continue sparring. He is going to leave again soon enough and so she needs to try not to get too attached. They are not meant for attachment, for affection, and it is something that needs to be kept in mind. She keeps it at the forefront of her thoughts and he leaves again within the month.

Natasha sees him again months later, not for training this time but to work with him on a mission.  It goes well, Natasha works with him like she has no other, figures he didn’t train her up to let her die on the mission.  He doesn’t let her die, she gets scrapped up a bit but it isn’t his fault and she cleans the scratches on her hands and then does something she doesn’t quite expect. He brushes small kiss against her bruised and injured knuckles and when she raises a brow at her, he gives just a bit of a shrug.

“I think I used to do that for someone before, someone I cared for.”

“And you care for me?”

She asks now, doesn’t mind the idea of it, sort of likes that he may be fond of her but it is a bit of strange thought considering each times she meets him it takes him a while to even remember that he knows her.

“I know I don’t want you to hurt more than you have to, that is supposed to help  though I don’t remember why.”

“It does.”

She says this simply now, takes his explanation even though it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Few have shown Natasha such care over the years and she is not going to give this up till she has to.   They end up separating again soon after but she thinks about the kiss against her knuckles more than she should.

There are more missions after that and he remembers her quicker each time, gives her  little gestures of affection that she finds herself returning.  She knows this is dangerous, becoming fond of each other, being affectionate and attached,  that they can’t keep this but she still wants it, still takes his kisses and tender words. 

“You’re not disposable, not to me.”

He says this one night as she lays in his arms and she wants it to be the truth but she knows that it isn’t, can’t be true.  This can’t last, they won’t be allowed to keep this,  and if it is found out, she is going to tossed out, disposed of, but she returns his kiss and his smile.

It ends in a way she doesn’t expect, ends not with them being found out but with ties between their handlers ending.  Natasha isn’t there when the soldier is sent to the main red room base, isn’t there when he burns it to the ground and she thinks maybe that is for the best. She has always known she wouldn’t be able to keep him and at least this way, they are both still alive, both still surviving and she tells herself that it is enough for now.    Natasha is still standing and she tells herself that it is enough but sometimes she thinks about smiles and soft touches and tries to push it aside. It isn’t something she is meant to have, something they are meant to have, but she had it for a bit and that has to be enough. She tells herself this and she is such a good liar, she almost believes it.

**Author's Note:**

> I may do a second part of this that would deal with Clint and Natasha but don't have it done yet.


End file.
